Well it's finally happened, my counselors, secretary and I were all released on Sunday. I knew it was coming, but I just wasn't ready. Maybe you're never ready to leave a calling you love. I've loved serving in every calling I've had, but have never felt so sad and empty as I have this time. Maybe it's hormones. Being old and pregnant I'm sure doesn't help matters any.
I thought I'd go through and delete all the "stuff" that accumulated on my computer over the last three years. Maybe a little bit of closure will help. As I dragged and dropped files to the trash can, a flood of memories washed over me. With tears streaming down my face, I remembered the activity day when the children flicked chocolate covered marshmallows at the bishopric and the sunny Thanksgiving morning when they released 100 balloons into the air. There were several primary programs, and sharing time ideas. The template I used to make up the baptism program for 27 children. And pictures, so many pictures of softall and kickball, of activities and Halloweens, of Christmas programs and cubscouts. I have to admit, I couldn't delete the pictures, it was just too much!
Then I got to my email. Emails from Tami, Jodee and Michale about upcomming events and concerns with scouts or baptisms. I relied so heavily on their input, ideas and hard work. These three women are the reason primary ran so smoothly. Words can not express how grateful I am to them and how much I will always cherish the time we spent together seving in the Lord's Kingdom. There were years worth of emails to Brother Penrod, Brother Bogle and Brother Allen about callings and meetings. How grateful I am to them for their support. I'm sure I drove them crazy! There were reminders and invitations to special meetings from both Citrus Heights and Alta Mesa Stakes. Memories of day camps and Scouting for Food came rushing back. There were emails from Bishop Walker and Bishop Jarvis counseling me on how to work with struggling children, reminding me of the tender moments when these little ones would come to me with their fears and frustrations. Nearly 800 emails later my heart was aching as I hit the delete button over and over.
I need to stay busy and not think about it I decided. So yesterday I cleaned my kitchen top to bottom - even the baseboards. I sorted a stack of papers that had been piling up on the counter for a while - more primary stuff to throw out. I organized my little girls' room and bagged up outgrown clothes. There I found Emily's sunbeam packet, more primary stuff. I spot cleaned the carpet (Bekkah has decided her sippy cup can also double as an exciting drawing instument and has created quite a mural on my gray carpet-no more grape juice Bekkah!) and near the piano I found a misshapen CTR ring, another primary reminder. By noon I was tired and decided to lay down with the baby, after all I am still sick and I haven't slept well since the Bishop's visit last week. Sleep never came, just more tears. I got up and cleaned the garage while searching for the Halloween decorations. There were leftover water guns and plastic swimming pools from a summer primary activity day. Then when the kids came home from school we finished up homework and baked a couple pies. I spent some more time on our family home evening lesson and while on the computer ran across a few more things to delete. Everywhere I turn are reminders of a calling that was so much a part of my life. It was then I realized, blocking out the memories is not the answer. It can't be done, it was what I was for nearly three years.
Time will lesson the hurt and new callings will take away the empty feeling. Projects around the house and activities with my family will fill my time. But I will never forget these wonderful innocent children who filled my time, my prayers and my heart!
I'm putting Tres and Zach together because they're really close and when I finish them I get my own blog!! So I'll start with Tres.
